Potpourri 4
 Stumpy & Martha

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say,
"Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say,
"I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
.
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."
.
The pilot overheard them and said,
"Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word,
I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
.
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of
to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Male? or Female?

In many language languages words are given a gender
i.e. they may be male, female or even neuter.
Have you ever wondered how these words are designated?
How would we assign gender in English?
.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male... because they hold everything  in, but you can always see right through them.
.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male... because even though it  appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just  opening bottles..
.
KIDNEYS - female... because they always go to the  bathroom in pairs.
.
SHOE - male... because it is usually unpolished, with  its tongue hanging out.
.
COPIER - female ...because once turned off, it takes a  while to warm up , because it is an effective reproductive device when  the right buttons are pushed, because it can wreak havoc when the wrong  buttons are pushed.
.
TIRE - male... because it goes bald and often is over  inflated.
.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male... because to get it to go  anywhere you have to light a fire under it...
and, of course, there's the hot air part.
.
SPONGES - female... because they are soft and  squeezable and retain water.
.
WEB PAGE - female... because it is always getting hit  on.
.
SUBWAY - male... because it uses the same old lines to  pick people up
.
HOURGLASS - female... because over time, the weight  shifts to the bottom.
.
HAMMER - male ...because it hasn't evolved much over  the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around.
.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say  male. But consider, it gives man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and  while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
The Old Cherokee Chief
.
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the
ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for
many generations, you have seen his wars and his products,
you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
 .
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in
your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
.
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute,
and then calmly replied.
.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
 .
 No taxes.
.
 No debt.
.
 Plenty buffalo
.
 Plenty beaver
.
Women did the work
.
 Medicine man free
.
 Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
.
The chief smiled, and added quietly,
"White man dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that."

     Wishful Thinking

                         A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant.
The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
                         The man replied "a burger and a coke."
"And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies.
They finish their meal and pay.
"That will be $4.50,"
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.
They do this every day till Friday.
.
                         "The usual?" she asked.
"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
                         "Me too." says the ostrich.
They finish and pay.
"That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount
again just like all week.
.
                         The waitress was dumb-founded.
"How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
                         "Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp.
I  rubbed it and a genie appeared.
" Wow!" said the waitress.
"What did you wish for?"
.
                         "I asked that when I needed to pay for something,
the exact amount would appear in my pocket."
.
                         "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars.
But what's with the  ostrich?"
.
                         "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Dentures


                         A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures
kept decaying rapidly on him.
.
                         The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked,
"This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them.
Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"
.
                         The man thought for a bit and said,
"Well, my wife has been making a lot of
eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."
.
                         "Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it.
I know just what you need.
I'm going to order you some new dentures
with plates made out of chrome."
.
                         "Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"
.
                         "Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"
More?...Encore plus?
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