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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"  flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for  your comfort and to enhance the appearance of  your flight attendants.
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 On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your  belongings.
If you're going to leave  anything, please make sure it's something we'd like  to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,  but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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 "Thank you for flying Air Canada Business Class. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as  we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at  Washington National,
a lone voice came over the  loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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 After a particularly rough landing during  thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a  Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care  when opening the overhead compartments  because,
after a landing like that, sure as heck  everything has shifted."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,  masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming,  grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you  have a small child traveling with you, secure your  mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child ... pick  your favorite."
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 "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed  before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than  Southwest Airlines."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best  flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately,  none of them is on this flight!"
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 Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard  landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you  it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's  fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it  was the asphalt!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than  perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated  as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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 Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
 "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us  today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge  to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized  metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the  captain made an announcement over the intercom,
 "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore,  we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now,  sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies  and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you  earlier;
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant  brought me a cup of coffee
and spilled the hot coffee  in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He  should see the back of mine!